Lobotomy

l·bäˑ·t·mē
n an infrequently performed surgical separation of the nerve fibers that connect the thalamus to the frontal lobes. This procedure is typically used in the treatment of certain mental disorders, such as severe depression. Also called
leukotomy.
(http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Lobotomy)

Ever feel like doing this to yourself? Don't lie.
I know you have.
There are those stupid days where everything affects you tho the nth degree.

Today has been one of those days. I would love to just remove an entire chunk of grey matter and toss it out. It's not like anything dramatic happened. No end of the world stuff to speak of, just little reminders that I am still broken and not quite where I want to be.

If you were to speak to any of my friends they might tell you that I can be forgetful, unfortunately I am more than just forgetful.

For example. I couldn't get any one's name right today. I called my husband Bobby "Peter" (my brothers name) I called my father "Bob" ( my husbands name), my cell phone rang and I answered it as if I were at the real estate office. "Century 21 P___ F____" I almost lost my mind seeing as it was a client for my event coordination business. I can't continue to have slip ups like this...
these mistakes only continue to remind me that I will never be the same.

Later I had to finish some shopping, visit with the fam, and come home. Bringing the groceries home wasn't easy. It hurt. I couldn't carry them. "The Bob" (big strong beefy husband) was there and grabbed the vast majority of things. I told him we can make two trips (hoping he would agree because I knew it was going to hurt) he said it would be a waste of time and one trip would be better. I had dreaded this.
So I took the four little bags that were left, and felt like my back would break, my knees would give out, and my arms would fall off.

Every one, I mean every one "forgets" the extent of injury that I incurred so few years ago. I can't expect people to understand or remember. Especially if you were to look at me I highly doubt that you would think that any thing at all is the matter with me.

I have 2 rather large scars on my arm (one on the outside and one on the inside) and I hated them from the start. At first I would do every thing I could to hide them. This wasn't a difficult task at first. I had to wear a splint and it was winter. As spring and summer came along I had some serious anxiety about people seeing the scar and how they would feel about it. Isn't that the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard? I was worried about others finding my arm visually appalling. My mother caught on to my anxiety, and sat me down for a "talk". She said in Greek "Many will see it, but few will notice it. Don't pay it any mind and no one else will"
I tested out her theory, and if I didn't draw attention to my arm no one else noticed it. I mean there are a couple of really observant people out there who did but for the most part I escaped the glares, and "OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR ARM" bullshit.
(these days I've come to accept it as a part of me and don't care much about others thoughts on it)
I've perfected the art of flying under the radar. I never harped on the fact that I was hurting, I never let people know how seriously fucked in the head I was, I tried so hard to hide how broken I actually was so that others around me didn't see it or any of my issues any more.
In a way it was a fabulous feeling to be considered just like every one else, and not constantly asked "are you ok" for the sake of asking the poor little gimp is she's fine.
I especially tried hard to look as happy as possible when I spent all those months bedridden, the other months on end when I was in a wheelchair, or when I had to learn how to walk for the second time in my life (the first time was obviously as a toddler).
WHO FORGETS HOW TO WALK????? WTF???
Well people who suffer from severe trauma, physiological and psychological can have issues with all motor skills.
Muscle memory... what muscle memory?

So when people ask me to carry things, lift things, laugh when I forget a name, or a term I try so hard to put on a brave face and do my best to carry on, but I secretly resent them for "forgetting" how close to deaths door I was. It's impossible to recover from those injuries especially in your 30's in just few years.
I have tried ...
I'm afraid that I won't have too many good years past this year.

I might be a little more sensitive to it all this week seeing as it's crash birthday time. It's so weird for me, because it's also my Husbands Birthday tomorrow. I am trying really hard to keep busy planning his party so I don't think too much about me. It's not working today.

So when you think your ready for a D.I.Y. LOBOTOMY, just remember your not alone, shit happens, every one forgets and life goes on.